Last night I weent to see The Hobbit: The Battle of the 5 Armies.
First things first: I megaloathe it. With a passion. I haven't written before because last night I was still too angry. I don't usually get angry for stupid things, so you can see what this means to me. The Hobbit was the first serious fantasy book I ever read. It is important to me, because the things I like and enjoy in my life right now where somehow shaped by that book, at that time. Some fucking 15 years ago.
I don't mind Jackson somehow invented things and ran with the idea. Love relationship? Ok, fine by me. New characters? No problem. Legolas in all his glorious CGI and color-changed eyes? Why the hell not, he's pretty.
I mind that he's done a bad job of it. Legolas movements are utterly ridiculous, playing fucking extremete ultimate jenga in his last battle, Fili's and Kili's death is dumb, and so is Thorin's, and they had liberty to do whatever they wanted with that. Smaug gets some 5 minutes of screentime before being killed with an improvised-as-shit bow-thing instead of being magnificently killed by Bard with his bow, a black arrow THAT IS ACTUALLY BLACK, when a bird tells him where to shot the Beast. And THE FUCKING OGRE BATTERING-RAM IS JUST BULLSHIT.
That being said, the film has two redeeming features: the battle at Dol Gurgur gave me such an erection I still can't think clearly and, most importantly: I've been waiting 10 years for a Dwarf Shieldwall. It gave me the fucking shivers. They should have given them more screen time. Like, all of it. Forever.
I don't hate it for being a bad adaptation, I hate it for trying to adapt it freely and completely screwing it. That what should have been the end of a marvelous journey was just...dissapointing.
I hate that 10-year-old me is never gonna get the ending he deserves.
Pic by http://trinforthewin.deviantart.com/
